Ramble

I’m finding it difficult to navigate between being a “good” daughter and living as a 22-year-old female on San Francisco. I understand that by living under my parents’ roof there are certain obligations to follow, but certain things are hard for me to obey considering I’ve grown up on America and I’ve already lived on my own throughout college.

Is it really that bad that once or twice a week I go out to a bar with my friends until 2am?

Tonight I understand the worry in that I was out of contact until 4am, however SIX messages seems a little excessive. I had fallen asleep at a girl friend’s house after we went to a bar. We got back at 1am and I thought I had set an alarm for 2am to drive home, but that failed. Wake up past 4am to six phone messages (all marked urgent) since her place is apparently a dead zone.

Anyways, I call the house as soon as I can to met my parents know I’m alive. I get home at 5am and walk straight o my room, hoping that I can just get ready for bed in peace. But of course that doesn’t happen. My mom comes into my room and immediately asks what happened to me tonight. After sharing the perfect storm of events that caused me to be out of reach, she says, “Why do you do this to us? You’re going to kill your dad. You know he has a bad heart.” She starts to cry. I’m unmoved.

I get it. I do. They’re parents, they worry. However, I don’t think I’m a bad person under most peoples standards. I don’t do any hard drugs, and I always get good/decent grades. For most of my friends parents I’d be ideal… but of course not to my own. This is the first time I’ve come home at an “indecent” hour, but anything past 10pm is inappropriate for a woman according to my traditional Filipino parents. My mom goes on to say she thinks I’m too independent and she made a mistake by letting me go off on my own for college. Then she wonders why I can’t just be content with living idly with them into my late twenties and early thirties like my siblings did.

I decide to bring up how my niece is moving onto my sisters place and I should possibly just move out as well. (They don’t know that I have already been planning to do so for the past month.) Maybe no longer living with then will bring them peace of mind to sleep at night since they will no longer really know when I’m out with friends and wont have to worry about if or when I’m coming home. She says she doesn’t understand why I need to go out so much. I answer that I’m 22, that’s what young people usually do. Which she responds with “Why do you need to do it just because everyone else does?” This is not a matter of peer pressure. I go out to a bar once, maybe twice, a week. I maybe have a drink or two, but rarely ever get drunk since most of the time I drive. So really, if I could I’d go out more, get a little crazier. This IS me compromising.

At this point my dad is now sternly telling my mother and me to go to sleep. Earlier tonight he was telling my sister’s stepkids how he dropped out of college, used to get drunk with his friends, and ran away from home. Yet here I am, a college degree, a decent though flawed person, and I am the problem child. I could go on more about this ordeal, but I’m tired of talking about myself and it’s already past 6am. I wasn’t sure how to tell my parents that I’m moving out, but it definitely needs to happen for all of our sakes. These aren’t the most ideal of circumstances, but that will probably never happen.

@3 months ago with 4 notes